even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
