And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Randomize
