when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
this boner is exhausting
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
