He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
