i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
