I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
