you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
