Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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