So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
