I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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