So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
