I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
