just tell him i said nine months
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
