My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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