Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
