I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
