Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
