i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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