is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
