I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
