I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
