my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
