wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
