Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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