so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
