True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
They have beer where we have blood.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize