It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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