he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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