His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
