I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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