Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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