it hurts more in the daytime
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
