Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
