i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
