Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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