Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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