seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize