Apparently you make a good broom.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
