I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
