Girls should come with a carfax report
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
