I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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