I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
