He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
