Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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