There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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