in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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