I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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