Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
he thought i was a dude.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
