so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
