hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
