cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
