I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
