I cockslap morals
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
