my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
