Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
