I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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