ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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