i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
