i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
