Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
We are all done wearing pants today
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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