I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Randomize
