all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
