Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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