My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
