i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
