wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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